One Christmas Eve, when all the presents had been wrapped, there were just three pieces of string left.

‘You know, we’ll probably just be thrown on the fire,’ String No.1 said.
‘Or in the bin!’ String No 2 moaned.
‘We can’t have that!’ String No 3 cried.
‘So what can we do?’ the other two pieces asked.
‘Let’s go out for a meal!’ String No 3 suggested.
And off they went down to the ‘Greasy Penguin Cafe. It was packed with Christmas revellers. String No 1 said, ‘Right, lads, what’ll we eat?’
‘I’d like some tomato soup,’ said String No 2.
‘And how about stuffed turkey to follow…and we could have Christmas pudding for afters,’ said String No 3.

String No 1 went to the counter and said, ‘Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, my good man!’

The waiter took one look at him and said, ‘push off, shorty. I don’t serve pieces of string….and you’re just a piece of string!’

String No 1 went back to the others. ‘He refused to serve me!’
String No 2 asked, ‘Did you say ‘please’?’
‘No’ admitted String No 1.
‘Then let me try!’
String No 2 went to the bar and said, ‘Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please.’

But the waiter replied, ‘push off, shorty. I don’t serve pieces of string…..and you’re just a piece of string!’

String No 2 went back to the others to report his failure. ‘Here, lads, let me try,’ String No 3 offered. But, before he went to the bar he tied a knot in the top of his head and fluffed the end out till he looked like a piece of punk string.

He went up to the bar. ‘Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please!’

The waiter looked at him and sighed. ‘Push off shorty. I don’t serve pieces of string….and you’re just a piece of string!’

And string no 3 replied ‘No. I’m a frayed knot!’

Apologies for the lateness of Friday’s joke (being as it is now Monday – I feel you have just reason to be upset!). So I shall not delay, here today is Friday’s fantastic funny – followed shortly by today’s..

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats… lightsabres drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke,” he said, “Ohhh, yes! I know!”.

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader’s reach, “How do you know!?” Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas!?”

Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, “The force is with me… I felt your presents.”

Last year, I invited Gary Kasparov, master Chess player to my house for tea. I made the silly mistake of laying the table with a checkered cloth – it took him 45 minutes to pass the salt. I’m quite a fan of chess, but my computer beat me at it the other day. Fortunately, my PC isn’t as good at kick boxing. I think it’ll have to forfit the deciding round…

During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, “I could beat Karpov with no problem”.

“Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time.”

“That’s nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!”

Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.

“But why?” a bystander asked.

“Because,” the manager replied “I hate …chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!”