Do you know what I love doing more than anything? Trying to pack myself into a small suitcase, I can hardly contain myself! However, a close second is writing these posts.

You’ll be glad to know that I’ve sorted out my new years resolutions by the way. I’m gonna start becoming a gymnast, true. I phoned up the Gym instructor yesterday and I said “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays”.

Did I tell you about my mate? He’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bi-satchel.

Reminds me of the present I got my girlfriend last Christmas. I sent her a huge pile of snow. I rang her up Christmas day and said “Did you get my drift?” Her present she got me was good too, it was a pepper pot. I took that as a condiment. I was really after a good ol’ fashioned broken drum! You can’t beat ‘em!

I seem to meet lots of barmy people in my life, for example: my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter! Then there was that guy at the zoo, chatting up a cheetah! (personally, I think he was just trying to pull a fast one). Another friend of mine phoned me just yesterday to tell me she was stuck in a hole full of water. (it’s ok, I know she means well).

Finally finished my Christmas shopping. Went into Waterstones to get “Karate For Beginners” by Flora Mugga and there was a trouser leg on one of the shelves. I thought, that’s a turn up for the books…

After that frantic intro, I’ll leave you with my Top 10 Things Not To Say When Opening Presents:

1. Hey! There’s a gift!
2. Well, well, well …
3. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
4. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
5. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
6. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
7. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
8. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
9. To think – I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
10. “I really don’t deserve this.”

As some of you may know, had I not become a programmer, I’d probably have been a doctor. But, alas, I didn’t have the patients. I did make a few discoveries while working in the field of medicine though! It seems that eating too many Christmas decorations can cause Tinselitis! While another marked achievement was spotting that similar to the ways that Athlete’s get Athletes foot – it seems that Astronauts get Missiletoe.

Nelson Mandela is at home putting up his Christmas tree when he hears a knock at the door, so he bobs off to answer it. He answers to a delivery guy who asks him to sign for a parcel.
“What is in the parcel?” asks Mr Mandela.
“10 car steering wheels” replies the guy.
“I’m not signing for these, I didn’t order them” returns Mandela, closing the door to the delivery guy and going back to enjoy his bauble arranging.

The next day, the door rings again and its the same guy but this time with a different parcel, interrupting what was up to then, a fantastic Christmas dinner.
“Hi, would you sign for these please?” asks the guy.
“Well, it depends what they are?” says Mandela.
“15 car exhausts” replies the guy.
“Again, I didn’t order these, go away and check your order” says Mandela closing the door again in the delivery guys face.

Two days later, the same guy knocks at the door again.
“Hi, another parcel” says the guy.
“Look, I don’t know what sends you here, but I’ve not ordered anything you guys appear to be delivering – so can just stop coming here” says Mandela – slightly irritated at the apparent lack of listening ability from the delivery guy.
“But, it has your name on the parcel! Here, see!” as the delivery guy hands him the parcel.
“You fool! That’s not my name! It says it’s for Nissan Main Dealer!”

The awesomeness keeps coming! Are you really sure that you can manage to cope with another 12 of these side splitting funnies? In fact, while I remember, someone asked me a question the other day, “What’s red and doesn’t exist?”… I replied, “No tomatoes”

Ok, ok! A true classic Christmas Cracker!

A young man walks onto the stage of the Christmas Eve “Stars In Their Eyes” Special, using crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon. ‘It’s very brave of you to come out here,’ says Matthew. ‘Please tell the audience what happened?’

‘Well’ replies Simon ‘about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident.

‘Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The Doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.’

‘That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?’ asks Matthew.

‘No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with: ‘That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?’

Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be… Simon and Halfuncle’