On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was pissed off. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa–filled with rage–threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, “Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?”

Three balloons are getting ready to go to sleep after a wonderful Christmas Day. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon says to baby balloon: “Look son, you are much too old to sleep with Mummy and Daddy; you will have to sleep in your own bed”.

Baby balloon protests: “I like sleeping with you and mummy”.
“No you are not sleeping with us and that’s final!”
“Ok”, says baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby balloon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with Mummy and Daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy’s knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can’t get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

It’s Boxing Day and they all awake. Daddy balloon is really angry. He said: “Son! I am really disappointed with you! I said you can’t sleep with us! You’ve let me down, you’ve let your mummy down, and you’ve let yourself down to!”

What goes “Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh!”? Santa stuck in revolving doors

The captain comes on the PA on a flight across the pond on the 24th: “Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve lost engine number one so we will be arriving 15 minutes late in New York.” A few minutes later, he announces they’ve lost number two engine and that they are looking at an hourlong delay before their arrival. Wouldn’t you know, they lose engine number three too! Two hours late! One of the passengers chirps up, “I hope we don’t lose that last engine! We’ll be up here all ruddy night!”