Do you know what I love doing more than anything? Trying to pack myself into a small suitcase, I can hardly contain myself! However, a close second is writing these posts.

You’ll be glad to know that I’ve sorted out my new years resolutions by the way. I’m gonna start becoming a gymnast, true. I phoned up the Gym instructor yesterday and I said “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays”.

Did I tell you about my mate? He’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bi-satchel.

Reminds me of the present I got my girlfriend last Christmas. I sent her a huge pile of snow. I rang her up Christmas day and said “Did you get my drift?” Her present she got me was good too, it was a pepper pot. I took that as a condiment. I was really after a good ol’ fashioned broken drum! You can’t beat ‘em!

I seem to meet lots of barmy people in my life, for example: my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter! Then there was that guy at the zoo, chatting up a cheetah! (personally, I think he was just trying to pull a fast one). Another friend of mine phoned me just yesterday to tell me she was stuck in a hole full of water. (it’s ok, I know she means well).

Finally finished my Christmas shopping. Went into Waterstones to get “Karate For Beginners” by Flora Mugga and there was a trouser leg on one of the shelves. I thought, that’s a turn up for the books…

After that frantic intro, I’ll leave you with my Top 10 Things Not To Say When Opening Presents:

1. Hey! There’s a gift!
2. Well, well, well …
3. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.
4. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
5. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
6. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!
7. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
8. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
9. To think – I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
10. “I really don’t deserve this.”

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