One Christmas Eve, when all the presents had been wrapped, there were just three pieces of string left.

‘You know, we’ll probably just be thrown on the fire,’ String No.1 said.
‘Or in the bin!’ String No 2 moaned.
‘We can’t have that!’ String No 3 cried.
‘So what can we do?’ the other two pieces asked.
‘Let’s go out for a meal!’ String No 3 suggested.
And off they went down to the ‘Greasy Penguin Cafe. It was packed with Christmas revellers. String No 1 said, ‘Right, lads, what’ll we eat?’
‘I’d like some tomato soup,’ said String No 2.
‘And how about stuffed turkey to follow…and we could have Christmas pudding for afters,’ said String No 3.

String No 1 went to the counter and said, ‘Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, my good man!’

The waiter took one look at him and said, ‘push off, shorty. I don’t serve pieces of string….and you’re just a piece of string!’

String No 1 went back to the others. ‘He refused to serve me!’
String No 2 asked, ‘Did you say ‘please’?’
‘No’ admitted String No 1.
‘Then let me try!’
String No 2 went to the bar and said, ‘Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please.’

But the waiter replied, ‘push off, shorty. I don’t serve pieces of string…..and you’re just a piece of string!’

String No 2 went back to the others to report his failure. ‘Here, lads, let me try,’ String No 3 offered. But, before he went to the bar he tied a knot in the top of his head and fluffed the end out till he looked like a piece of punk string.

He went up to the bar. ‘Three tomato soups, three stuffed turkeys and three Christmas puddings, please!’

The waiter looked at him and sighed. ‘Push off shorty. I don’t serve pieces of string….and you’re just a piece of string!’

And string no 3 replied ‘No. I’m a frayed knot!’

• • Joke 2/18: Jockey For Position Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead...